Tag Archives: Arts and Entertainment

Dear Target


So I came across this article by a science enthusiast I follow on twitter about how technology is being developed to actually make telepathic mind control possible and I’m like, “Pfft, Target has been using it on the female population for years now, as Buzzfeed and I could attest to.” But that got me to thinking — how could I get a hold of this technology myself? Then I got this idea — I should write to Target and propose that they make this technology available as a product.  Yes, I know that I’m the last person who should be giving out any business or marketing advice but just hear me out.  Why, they would make a fortune, I’m sure! Sure, there may be some blobbidy blob bitter ninnies who would use it for evil and destroy the world as we know it, but think of all the people who would use it for good.  And what good would come of this, you ask?  Well, for example, I could get into the minds of the editors at Simon & Schuster and have them thinking, “Gee, that Order of The Dimensions trilogy by Irene looks great.  We should really pick it up.”  And then I would get into the minds of the studio execs at Universal and have them thinking, “Gee, that Order of The Dimensions trilogy by Irene just picked up by Simon & Schuster looks great.  We should develop it into the next major movie franchise.”  And then I would get into the minds of John Krasinski, Joe Manganiello, and Trickster Guy and have them thinking, “Gee, that Order of The Dimensions trilogy by Irene just picked up by Simon & Schuster and being developed into the next major movie franchise by Universal looks great.  We should really get our agents to set up auditions for the roles in there.”  See?  All good stuff!  Yes, I would totally make a bee line to their electronics department — well after I stopped on the way for that peach-colored wrap around Merona summer dress that Oh my God, totally looks like the McQueen at Neiman Marcus, some Golden Peak Diet Iced Tea, some L’Oreal Crazy for Chic nail polish, and a bag of Rold Gold pretzel sticks, of course  — and snatch that baby right off the shelf.  Now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna start on that letter right now!  (You: You do that.  Me:  Why, yes, I will!  Haven’t you just heard a word I’ve said?)  Okay, so off to work — see ya, soon-to-be mind-controlled Order of The Dimensions reading minions!


Since I can’t sell my own … you know: My Hero (film)


Disclaimer: More book reviews and writing posts to come!  Just thought I might feature a movie for once.  And it’s my blog so I’ll do what I want to so just shut up!

Why, hello there.  How are you?  I’m okay given I’m undergoing this intense 40-day (Sundays don’t count; I checked) caffeine withdrawal program. It’s called Lent.  Yes,  every year for Lent, I give up my worst vices including coffee, chocolate, and Coke Zero.  You’d be surprised how fast my nasty caffeine addiction comes back Easter morning though.  But anyway,speaking of Easter, Easter always makes me think of spring and spring always makes me think of summer.  And given the wonderful, mild, oh-geez-I-wish-it-could-go-on-forever wintery wonderland we had in Chicago this year, summer can’t come fast enough.   I also hope to start planning my trip to Boston for the Joint Statistical Meetings this summer soon.  I hope it’ll be a good meeting like the APS March Meeting that I just attended, where I not only learned a lot actually but also had quite a few cute physics guys flirt with me (shhh … don’t tell my future husband).  They must have found me quite attractive, sensing that I am actually a statistician and therefore I am the shizz.  I am now wondering if there’ll also be any cute statistics guys at JSM who will flirt with me (again, don’t tell my future husband) and … oh, who are we kidding – as there’ll also be a lot of hot statistics girls there who are also the shizz, I won’t stand a chance at that one.

Ah, well.   I’ve also been looking at some of the movies coming out this summer.  (You: I know what movie is NOT coming out this summer.  Me:  That’s nice.  I know who is going to get a fat lip and black eye if they don’t stop talking.)   And then, I came across this film called My Hero.  It’s basically about this young girl Jade (very cute — reminds me of my niece, Alyssa) and this young man, Jake, (quite  cute also – maybe not as hot as Tim Blais but still adorable) on the run from some big, bad guys who I guess do big, bad guy stuff.  Actually, I always find the big, bad guy in the movie who does big, bad guy stuff most adorable.  Cuz really, as if they’d be a match for me … or have you not been reading this blog?  Yeah, well, let me tell you something: when this little Polish American white girl from the Northwest side of Chicago says “Come at me, fool!”  that’s your cue to turn around and start running the other way, punk!  Yeah, I’d have them running back to their mommy … oh, sorry, it’s a British flick, right?  Okay, I’d having them running back to their mummy in no time.   Yeah, Jade and Jake should have hired me as their security detail and … what!  Can you just stop with the “Stop talking, Irene!”?  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe for once I know what I’m doing?  Okay?  You know, just because I don’t know the first thing about selling a book and my dissertation advisor more often than not gave me this look during my graduate studies doesn’t mean that … yeah, you’re right — I’ll check my life insurance policy and start casket shopping first thing in the morning.

But anyway,  I like the premise of this film and hope  you  check it out too and perhaps like their Facebook page here.  And I’m hoping that they get enough likes to bring the film State-side as I would like to have another option when seventeen of the eighteen screens at my local theater are playing that movie based on the book from my most favoritest arch rival in the world.   But I know I shouldn’t dog on another author, so I’ll just leave at  that.

P.S.  Just checked my policy and it does cover murder by one Mr. Simon Flowers.  So I’m good.  Okay — so on to casket shopping now.

Congrats to the Illuminati’s newest priestess!


I am so in the dark about these things.  So I’m just now hearing about this chick Veronica Roth and how her book published just a few months shy of my first book took off and how she was already offered a movie deal.  I really had no clue about this person until I saw this post on Dlisted and then googled her book and came across her twitter account where she describes her books as ending with ‘gent’, which I must admit to  finding quite clever.  Now, I guess I could tell her to stop writing but that’s been done before or I could ‘make’ her stop writing, but my ‘dungeon’ is getting pretty full as it is, so instead, I’ll just say congrats and wishing her the best.  Yeah, she doesn’t know me and would probably just snicker, sensing the loser that I am, if she ever saw me on the corner of Clark and Division, but, eh, least I can do to help another Chi-town girl and NU alum out.  So I really do hope you check out Ms. Roth’s trilogy and the movies made from it and, oh yeah, … I hope you buy my damn book as well!

Expecting Nothing from Something

Hey kids!  I’m gonna start today with a short lesson in Polish history, because, well, having my ass dragged to Polish school on Saturday morning for eight years has to account for something, right?  FACT: Chances are that if you grew up in a Polish family in Chicago during the eighties, nineties, double zeroes, or now, there were/are no such things as Saturday morning cartoons.  So anyway, in 1683, Leopold I (looking all snazzy here, by the way) went to King Jan III Sobieski of Poland and said, “Oh, Poland … Poland … help!  The big, bad Turks came to invade Vienna and we need your help to get them out!”  Or something to that effect.  And on September 12, 1683, King Jan III Sobieski and the Poles helped kick the Turks out of Vienna, to which Leopold and the Austrians replied, “Thanks, Poland!  You’re awesome!”  Or something to that effect.  But then in 1772, you wanna know what happened?  You really wanna know?  Do you?  You know you do!  Stop lying and say you don’t!  Okay … and you’ll love this part.  I know as a Pole, I certainly love this part.  So in 1772, Russia and Prussia were like, “Hey, Austria, wanna split up Poland with us?”  And the Austrian empire was like, “Um, okay, cool!” Or something to that … you know what I mean.   And actually the Turks ended up being the good guys in that they never recognized the Partition of Poland.

So what does this insightful tidbit of Polish history has to do with today’s post?  Well, before I get into that, I just want to point out that this is not meant to be a political or discriminant post by any means.  I have lots of dear Polish, Austrian, and Turkish friends alike.  In fact, as I  might have pointed out at one time, my dissertation advisor is Turkish, which one of the two of my most favoritest people in the world (not Trickster Guy.  The other one … yeah, okay – I’m going back to TG and DL after this) would have known if she actually took the time to do her research.   And one of my greatest twitter promoters, Irene, comes from Vienna.  What I want to say here instead is something I brought up before.  And that is don’t expect any outcomes just because you did something to help another person out.  Sometimes it will work but sometimes it won’t.  Whether it’s just giving a good review or liking someone’s page or sending pizzas to an Ivy League theater group where your future husband is starring in a Tennessee Williams play, just do it to make someone happy and don’t even think about getting something in return.  That’s how I’ve come to think about things.  At this point, I really have come to peace with the fact that Order of The Dimensions may never be a bestseller or turned into a movie (You: Finally!  Me:  Again, I asked you this when?)  Just doing something to help others should give you some satisfaction in itself.  And who knows?  Maybe someone who you least expected will be your greatest ally and most likely to help you out.  Like I may never get a movie deal but that Ivy League theatre group might make a play out of my book or my blog or whatever.  Or if not them, maybe the theatre groups from one of my three alma maters will.  No, you say?  Oh, come on!  Will you just give me a freakin’ … okay, never mind – just keep the peace, Irene.  Keep … the … peace.   By the way, I also noticed that my future husband unfollowed that Ivy-League theatre group on twitter.  That wasn’t very nice of him.  After all, they graciously invited him to do their play and I’m sure they shared the free (hopefully not illness-inducing) pizza with him and all.  I mean, I’ll still marry him and bear his children, of course, but just sayin’ that wasn’t very nice of him.

But anyway, that’s all for now and now you know a little about the good-looking dude on this vodka bottle.  And I’m kinda happy he saved Vienna from the Turks too.  Yeah, it wasn’t very nice of them to split up Poland with Russia and Prussia later on, but they sorta made up for it my giving us the greatest musical prodigy of all time.


Yeah, Mozart too.  But I was thinking Falco.  I mean, who today can compete with such high art.  Pure genius, people!  Pure.  Genius.

Stylin’ Science Part: Bla Bla Bla – Markov Stochastic Processes via Swiper the Fox


So I sometimes babysat my niece during her Dora the Explorer phase.  Until then, I truly believed that there could not possibly be a childhood character more annoying than Barney.  I was wrong.  Those three words would remain in my head long after my brother or sister-in-law would come to pick my niece up.  Those.  Three.  Words.   “Swiper, no swiping.”  “Swiper, no swiping.”  “Swiper, no swiping.” “No, really, I can’t … I just can’t anymore.  Please stop swiping, Swiper.  Or else, things might get ugly.  Very ugly.  Very quickly.”  And that’s why I’m having my most favoritest fox in the world help me explain Markov stochastic processes.  Now, this particular stochastic processes is named after Andrey Markov, a deep, dark, sexy Russian mathematician, as opposed to the deep, dark, sexy Russian former spy, Anton Zelov, in Order of The Dimensions, who … oh, that’s right.  You don’t care.

So anyway, a Markov process is one where the probability of the most current event happening depends on the most recent event, but not on any events prior to the most recent event.  Now, there’s a lot of stuff that can happen depending on the last event.   But let’s start with a simple example.  So let’s say Dora has a Harry Potter wand, Hunger Games DVD, Twilight nail polish set, and a copy of this mess in her backpack.  If Swiper took the wand last time, he might try to take it again with a probability of 30%  or he might take the DVD with  a probability of 40% or he might take the nail polish set with 30% probability.  So unless Dora says,    “Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping.”, he is most likely to take the DVD next.  Notice that this mess has a 0% probability of being swiped.  But if Swiper took the DVD last time, let’s say, Swiper will take the wand with 20% probability, the DVD with 30% probability, and the nail polish set with 50% probability.  So unless Dora says,   “Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping.”, he is most likely to take the nail polish set.  Again, notice that this mess has a 0% probability of being swiped.  Now, let’s make things a little more interesting and introduce something called the absorbing state, meaning once a particular event happens, only one type of event can happen after that.  So, for example, if Swiper took the nail polish set last time, Dora will take out this mess out of her backpack and say, “Swiper, please swipe. Swiper, please swipe.  Swiper, please swipe.” with 100% probability to which Swiper will reply, “Aw, man!” before reluctantly taking it.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I for one would not at all feel sorry for the shifty, unscrupulous son of a vulpes vulpes, after how he almost swiped my last ounce of sanity during those evenings I spent watching episode after episode … after episode of my niece’s beloved television program at the time.  But anywhoo … until next time … Swiper, no swiping.  Unless it’s this mess – please feel free to swipe it at any time.

Since I can’t pimp my own sh …

Hey peeps!  Sorry for not posting in a while but guess where I was!  Yup, the APS March meeting!  Guess who I haven’t seen there though.  John Krasinski, my future husband, or Trickster Guy.  Nope, no Order of The Dimensions book/movie/anything tie in at this meeting. (You:  Oh, like, there’ll be one ever.)  Ah well, who needs them when I could meet the hunka hunka man, Tim Blais.  Of course, I haven’t seen Tim Blais either.  Eh, who needs him when I got the hunka hunka cardboard cutout of #FlatFeyman.


Feyman just chillin’ in my hotel room. I think he wanted to watch some TV.

Anyway, getting here was kind of an adventure too.  Maybe not as exciting as being kidnapped by a deep, dark, sexy former Russian spy and forced to be his love slave in Malta in another dimension, but interesting (to me, at least) all the same.  It all started four thirty Sunday morning when the airline that shall remain nameless came up with the brilliant idea to cancel my initial flight and schedule me for a flight just two hours before my presentation. This led me to call the airline back and politely tell them “Awe, hell, naw!”.  After the agent of the airline that shall remain nameless gave me a few more options with unreasonable times to which I responded, “Awe, hell, naw!”, she finally gave me an option with a reasonable time but bit of an unreasonable price change to which I responded, “Awe, hell … well, I guess I have no other options, do I?”, to which the agent responded, “Awe, hell, naw!”  But anyway, the meeting went well.  Since it was a work trip for me, I mainly attended sessions related to physics used in cancer and other biomedical research, but I did sneak into an interesting quantum mechanics session too.  Of course, I was too much chicken shi.. to bring up a question regarding inter-dimensional travel again as it most likely would have been received with this response.

But enough about me.  I have decided to do some posts where I share some other works by a few authors friends I have met along the way during my wonderful (HA!), illustrious (double HA!), successful (oh God, an infinite number of HAs would not cover that one, would it?) journey into writing.  The first book I chose to feature here is Die in Paris by Marilyn Tomlins about my new role model notorious serial killer, Dr. Marcel Petiot.  You can find my amazon review of the book here and without giving away too much, Dr. Petiot would even have Putin saying “Oh, he’s good“.  So I hope you check out this book.  I’m sure glad I did as it gave me some ideas to … anyway, I’m just glad I did.


And for more pimped out sh.. that should be pimped out even more than mine (You: You can say that again! Me:, And I asked you this when?) be sure to check out my publicist Jessi’s page for more awesome stuff to check out here.