Hey There … here’s some more crap I’m re-writing

WTF-Picard-meme

These are some of the gems I wrote in November 2012 before I had some friends look it over and basically tell me this.  Again, new comments are in bold and italics.

With the heavy traffic, the cab ride unfortunately longer than anticipated [This particular dimension takes place in Chicago so that’s about right].  After struggling to retrieve all their packages from the taxi, they finally made it to the hotel entrance, where the doorman kindly helped them inside. [This particular dimension takes place in Chicago so that’s about  not right.  This part is where the fantasy kicks in.]  Tina and the children tried to wave their way through the sea of conference attendees, bustling about, and eventually ended up in the middle of the lobby  [Whew … they EVENTUALLY made it!], quite a sight [QUITE  a sight!!] to see with its black and white marble decor.   The kids were pleased to see that that the hotel once more installed its famous fountain in the center of the space and ran towards it, with change in hand ready to make some wishes  [Damn kids … do they think that they’re in a 1950s dimension?  Why can’t they just roll their eyes and remain glued to their iPhones like normal children?].  Tina yelled after them to slow down before a bellhop approached her and asked if she needed help with the packages and if she would like them stored. [Yup … this is the fantasy part!]  She thus [THUS!!!] kindly thanked the young man and handed him some packages and walked over him to the front desk. She just left all their packages with a young lady at the desk to be stored and was about to call Jane and inform her that they have arrived [and yet she conveniently ‘forgot’ to inform Jane about Amy’s new pierced tongue and tattoo …hmmm]  when the lobby became dark.  Panic became imminent in the air just as a flash of light zipped through the entire space.  [Ya think panic would become imminent?]

*************************************************************************************

“But they are not here.”  Anton replied in an alarmingly casual tone.  [Yes, his tone is not just casual.  No, no.  It’s ALARMINGLY casual.  That’s how you know he’s really up to no good.]  “They are at a conference in Pittsburgh, remember? [Side note:  I like Pittsburgh.  I’ve never been there but I like it as a lot of cool people come from there or reside there now, as Mr. Rogers, my publicist, Jessi, and my future husband.  That is all.]  We flew in here as I was giving a class this week at the Art Institute and we are staying with your cousin, albeit [see now, this is an example how the deep, dark sexy Russian does deep, dark sexy Russian stuff like use the word ‘albeit’] she and her family only spent two days with us during our visit as they needed to fly to Pittsburgh for her conference on Monday. [Huh?  I didn’t even get that part.  I’m still recovering from the deep, dark, sexy Russian saying ‘albeit’.  I think I need another moment.]

Okay, I’m good now.  Anywho, if I find anymore such treasures as I’m re-writing parts of Book 2, I’ll be sure to share them with you also.   And don’t worry about all the cackling mixed with crying you heard as you were reading this.  That was just NBR chained up in the ‘dungeon’ again.

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