So I just talked to my friend, Erika, and she thinks I’m getting obsessed with finishing my trilogy. (You: Nooooooooo! You obsessed? Me: Yes, she thinks so! You: Nooooooo! You obsessed? Me: Yes, can you believe that? You: Nooooooooo! You obsessed? Me: Okay, now you’re just being facetious so just let me continue. You: …. Nooooooo! You obsessed?) So anyway, she gave me an assignment to write a fairy tale totally unrelated to my book before I go back and try to finish Book 2 and that’s what I will attempt here. Here we go.
One upon a time, there was a giant … a giant who’s name was not Anton. So we’ll call him Sventon!!! Yes, and Sventon was Swedish (not Russian!!!) and his favorite bands were ABBA, Ace of Base, and Icona Pop, of course, and he talked like this. Hey, who doesn’t love the Swedish chef from the Muppets? Hope Erika is happy so far!! Anyway, Sventon was looking for a bride to help him reign over his kingdom in the woods and came upon three beautiful princesses named, um, … Aggie, Elaine (the E is silent), and Gina. That’s right – I’m not talking about Maggie, Jane, or Tina here – I’m talking about Aggie, Elaine (the E is silent), and Gina. But of course, he could only pick one to be his queen. (You: What if there are at least three dimensions and he is married to each one in a different dimension? Me: Seriously, are you trying to get Erika to kick my ass??). And being the ruggedly handsome Swedish (not Russian!!) giant that he was, he wanted to choose the fairest princess of them all. So he went to the kingdom’s sorceress/biostatistician/doctor/lawyer/EMT carriage driver also trying to finish up her first trilogy (hey, writing ain’t cheap and she also needed the extra cash to actually pay her bills) and said “Irene (what? I can use that name here! That name is not in my book), I need you to put the nooooooodle in de soooooouuuuup .. bork, bork, bork … and then I need to get the potion to help me find the fairest princess … bork, bork, bork.” And then, Irene said, “I’m busy with my blog, book, whatever … get it yourself!” No, that’s not true. Irene did not say that as she needed to keep her job as the kingdom’s sorceress/biostatistician/doctor/lawyer/EMT carriage driver in order to pay her bills and feed her unhealthy obsession to finish her damn trilogy (unhealthy according to her friend, Merika, anyway). So after Irene put the nooooooodle in de soooooouuuuup, she got the special potion for Sventon and said, “Now, you have to be careful, your majesty. Make sure that each princess only takes one sip. This potion is very powerful and would make them fall asleep forever if they drank more. But with one sip, their inner motives will become evident through their outward appearance and then you shall know which one is the fairest of them all.”
So Sventon headed back to the woods and found Aggie, Elaine (the E is silent), and Gina, waiting for him by the tall oak where he left them. Aggie took a sip of the potion and instantly became a poor beggar. Now, I ain’t sayin’ Aggie is a golddigger but she ain’t messing with no broke … pauper. “Aggie! You guld grävare! You only wanted to be my bride for the kingdom’s riches, didn’t you??” “No, no, my king! That’s not true! I also wanted to bear you a child. Your very own prince or princess! I would have one of yo kids for eighteen years … eighteen years!” “Really?” “Really, my Lord.” “Vell, okee dokee den! So now, we sign dis prenup … because I ain’t no de punk dere.” “Prenup? Okay, never mind … I’m out.”
Sventon shrugged as she ran off, handing the goblet to Elaine (the E is silent). “Now, remember, Elaine (the E is silent), only one sip.” Upon taking the sip, Elaine (the E is silent) turned into a shriveled up old spinster. “Elaine (the E is silent),” Sventon shook his head. ” You don’t love me either … you’re just afraid to grow old alone.” “No, that’s not true! I love you, Sire. I do! Now please marry me. PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! You can’t say no! I won’t end up like my Aunt Katrina in Boca with her fifty cats … I can’t … I won’t … please, your majesty, please … just marry me!!!” “No, Elaine (the E is silent), I cannot. Not like this. You have to learn to love yourself dere and den maybe just maybe you shall find someone who shall love you and spend deir rest of deir life with you. But if not, dat’s okay too.” “No … no … , Sire.” “I’m afraid so. Now, here is de card for de kingdom’s counselor/sorceress/biostatistician/doctor/lawyer/EMT carriage driver, Irene. Maybe you should see her and talk about your fears wid her dere.” He sent her off her way as she continued to sob.
He at last turned to Gina. “Now, dere, you are de only one left, so you shall be my queen!” “No, your majesty. Fair is fair. I have to take a sip too.” He handed her the chalice, seeing her transform into the most beautiful woman he had ever seen after she took her sip. “Gina! I can see your true beauty inside and out and dat you truly love me! Gina, please, will you be my queen?” He got down on one knee. “Of course, I shall, my king! Oh, Sventon, I love you so much and shall make you so happy!!” She caressed his cheek. Yet, he returned to Irene’s heavy-hearted. “I found my bride. The fairest of them all who truly loved me too.” “So what is the problem, your majesty?” “We celebrated by finishing the chalice. I am all right but as you warned, she is now asleep forever.” “So what is the problem, your majesty?” Irene shrugged. “She’s hot, she truly loves you, and now she is silent forever so she can’t bitch you out if you forget to tell the servants not to forget to take out the trash or if you stay out too late.” “Oh, yeah, .. bork, bork, bork …” he smiled. So Sventon was happy and Irene was happy as she fulfilled Merika’s assignment and could now go back to her trilogy (or so was the goal) and Gina had an eternity to catch up on her beauty sleep and everyone lived happily ever after. Or something like that.